Friday The Thirteenth!

Ariana was sleeping, but then she woke up in fright as she herd a knock on her window from her room, she opened her curtain no one was there so she  went back to sleep. The next day her best friend Deanne was waiting at the gate for her so they could walk to school.                                                                       ” Hey Deanne I herd someone knocking on my window last night, then I opened my curtain no one was there.                                                                              ” Oh it must of been the wind” Said Deanne

Once they got to school their teacher told them they had winter sports today    “Oh what date is it” Said Ariana                                                                         ” FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH” Said her teacher.                                          “Okay” they both said. As they were getting ready for winter sports Deanne was started to fell sick and she fainted Ariana ran to get a teacher, no one was there. She went to call her mother, and everyone in her contacts. No one answered, Ariana went to look at every shop in town no one was inside any of the shops, then she looked in the police station the town was all empty, Ariana went back to her school then Deanne was gone all there was left was a trail of blood she followed it lead to a dark dusty cabinet she looked in side, but then it was too late she got pulled in to.

6 Comments on Friday The Thirteenth!

  1. deanne2012
    July 21, 2014 at 12:53 am (3 years ago)

    Hi Angelica,
    Your story was great. But you did have a few mistakes. U should double check it next time. Other wise it was GREAT! Keep up the good work. 🙂

    Reply
  2. rubyt
    July 24, 2014 at 11:31 pm (3 years ago)

    Dear Angelica,
    That was a great story, your title was interesting. You introduced Ariana, you said that the date was Friday the Thirteenth and you also said that the setting was basically all over town because that was were Ariana looked for help. Your problem and events that happened where well done. But the thing that I liked most was that you didn’t really solve the problem and your ending left me thinking what happens to Ariana. And just remember always double check your grammar and spelling. Great job Jelly!
    From Ruby

    Reply
  3. Alyssa
    July 24, 2014 at 11:33 pm (3 years ago)

    Angelica that was a great narrative. You gave lots of detail like you went into every shop and you went to the police office and you told the audience that there was no one there. You do need to reread your story because you left out some fool stops which were needed to make the sentence make scene. At the end of the story i had a question. Why is the thirteenth so bad? That was your title and your point but you didn’t explain it. Otherwise that it was an great story to read and i look forward to reading your new story’s in the future.

    Reply
  4. oreswagmaster
    July 27, 2014 at 11:57 pm (3 years ago)

    Hey Jelly,
    I loved your title, it fitted the story really well. I also loved how you introduced the characters, you said where they were and when the story took place. I really loved the ending when you said: “Deanne was gone all there was left was a trail of blood she followed it lead to a dark dusty cabinet she looked in side, but then it was too late she got pulled in to.”
    I liked how the ending was a mystery and how it left me thinking about what happened. Sometimes a story is interesting without a resolution and yours is one of them but be careful with that because someone else might think you wrote an incomplete story. The only thing you need to do is double check your spelling and punctuation.

    Reply
  5. lydiama
    July 27, 2014 at 11:57 pm (3 years ago)

    Dear Angelica,

    I thought you had a fantasy story, you really pulled in the reader.I thought you could of added a resolution, I said that to Deanne too. The ending is crucial because it ties every thing together.
    I would also say that you could of told who or what knocked on her window.You’r story had mostly everything on a narrative checklist good job Jelly.
    Lydia

    Reply
  6. India
    July 28, 2014 at 12:03 am (3 years ago)

    Hi Angelica!,
    Your story was interesting but there were a couple negatives. You said where the characters were and you introduced them. Your title was okay but it could have been better. There wasn’t really a problem that stood out and if there is no problem there is no solution. Even i. there was a problem I didn’t see there was no solution. You told me the events that happened but they didn’t really tie in together. I saw you were trying to make the story creepy and scary but you could have made the events tie in together. Your story made sense but you didn’t use many interesting words but I liked this: She woke up in fright. I thought it was really descriptive. Your story didn’t really end though and I think you could write a part to tell us what happened after the story ended. You missed a lot of commas and 1 or 2 full stops so your sentences went on for a while without a pause. Other wise this was a good story.

    From India xxx

    Reply

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